Only the Good Die Young

The Prodigal Son Returns

2005-11-26T17:25:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in 4 months, and for those who actually check this blog, I apologize. Here is something I wrote for the Sojourn, IWU's fledgling newspaper, and my place of employment on campus. Enjoy.
"What's in a Name?"
William Shakespeare once wrote, “What's in a name? That which we call a roseby any other name would smell as sweet.” While that works for flowers, animals and inanimate objects, it does not work for local TV news personalities.
Local TV news personalities are an odd breed of human being. Most of the “talent” have normal, run-of-the-mill names, while some have outlandish names—names no mother would ever name their child. I believe I have discovered why this is.
Much like converts to Islam, some broadcast schools require their graduates to change their names upon their graduation (I actually have no basis for this, but it makes sense if you consider the names that some have). There are three basic naming practices they use, all causing comical results.
The first type of the three ridiculous naming practices is the changing of the spelling of a normal first name. Kellye Lynn, reporter for Baltimore’s KJZ-TV, decided that the more traditional spelling of “Kelly” wasn’t flashy enough for her profession. How is this name pronounced? Is it “Kelly” or is there an extra “ee” sound after the initial, normal “Kelly?” Does the extra “e” get her special treatment? Tax breaks? Street cred? Does this name not defy all human logic? These are things I want to know.
Before searching the internet, I didn’t realize how many variations there were of the name “Sydney.” Sydnie Kohara, anchor of San Francisco’s KPIX, traded the “y” for an “ie”—a typical re-spell move. Cydney Long, reporter for KYW in Philadelphia, however, deserves kudos for the riskier first-letter swap.
Jayne Smith and Tracie Bettenhausen of KXMB in Bismarck, N.D. and Catie Sheehan, reporter for WCIA in Champaign, Ill., also deserve a round of applause for successful alternative spellings.
The second technique is changing the first name into something that wouldn’t usually be considered a first name. Prentice Elliot, sports reporter for WRDW in Augusta, Ga. is a prime example of this method.
The award for craziest first name duo goes to the meteorologist combo of Duffy Atkins and Tegan Orpet from KHQA in Quincy, Ill. Yes, Duffy is an exceptable nickname…for a man. But this Duffy is a woman. And she’s using it in place of her real name. And Tegan…what can you say about this name?
Other notable first name-changers are Hutch Johnson of Chief Meterologist of Portland, Oregon’s KOIN (unfortunately, he doesn’t have a partner named Starsky. I checked.), Beasley Reece, Cydney Long’s cohort at KYW, who incidentally stole his name from his butler, and Harve Jacobs, reporter at WCSC in Charleston, S.C. also deserve recognition. However, Harve loses points for simply dropping a letter. Come on, Harve, be more creative.
The third mode of name-changing is the always-popular, absurd, last name switch. Many times, the TV news personality finds it necessary to change their last name to something impossible to pronounce. Like Shaun Chaiyabhat, WCIA reporter. Try to say his last name out loud (in your room, not in the Commons, or you will receive stares).
Alexis Del Cid, reporter at the aforementioned KOIN, decided it a good idea to adopt a last name of the popular hero of the chivalrous age of Spain (I know it’s really El Cid, but work with me on this one), and could be an effective name for a comic book villain. According to her online biography, “In her spare time, she enjoys walking, yoga and eating Thai food, but not at the same time.” If Del Cid could pull that off, she really would be a comic book villain.
I know that, through writing this article, I may have shed a negative light on the average TV news personality, and that’s not fair. Many of these people are very normal, with not-so-crazy names. Some are even inspiring. I couldn’t find a normal-named, inspirational personality, so I’ve decided to end with another weirdly-named reporter who is quasi-inspirational.
Gordon Boyd, WVLT Volunteer TV reporter, Knoxville, Tenn. (who might’ve changed his first name to express his love of a certain NASCAR driver) is an inspiration to me. He loves his job. He loves his community. He quotes Confucius in his online bio. I’m not kidding.
He writes, “Confucius was right, distance does lend enchantment to the view” So true, Gordon Boyd. He continues, “We strive to make our coverage factual and flavorful, clear and complete.” Why, Gordon?
“[Because] Families matter.
Integrity matters.
Delivering on your promises, matters.”
He should’ve changed his name to Gordon Shakespeare.

Life as I know it

2005-08-05T22:49:00.000-04:00

So, work is done, the wedding of my friend William (pro. "Wheel" in his new hometown of Hickory, NC) was a smashing success (and by success I mean it was good 'n brief), and i have yet to leave for my Boston road trip, so my life has reverted back to pre-Calmar summer.

Sleep is no longer in short supply (read: 12 hrs. a day), and neither is reading, nor mindless entertainment (read: movies and ps2). Also, I find myself getting on the internet more than twice a day to check NBA.com for up-to-date free-agency signings and trades. Oh, I know it's a pathetic existance, I have come to terms with that, but I really could care less.

I have realized that, hey, this may be the last period of time where I don't really have many responsibilities. I'm unemployed. I don't pay rent--or many bills for that matter. And I still don't own a credit card. This is probably (hopefully) the last time I'll be able to say any of these things, for, in a few short months, I'll be out in the....at this point, you may want to skip these next two words..."real world." (Notice I put "real world" in quotes because, thanks to our friend John Mayer, we all know there is no real world.)

Scary, huh? Definately. Especially considering I still have no idea what the future holds for me.
But I'm not picky. So long as I get overpaid to do something I love, I'm cool with that. Until then, I'm going to play as many seasons on NCAA Football 2006 as I can. Go Bucks!

Surprise, Surprise...I'm a Wesleyan

2005-08-04T13:31:00.000-04:00

Who would've guessed that I was a Wesleyan?

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

82%

Fundamentalist

68%

Emergent/Postmodern

64%

Roman Catholic

64%

Classical Liberal

61%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

57%

Neo orthodox

57%

Reformed Evangelical

43%

Modern Liberal

36%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

Farewell, all ye Calmarians

2005-07-26T02:53:00.000-04:00

As my last shift at Calmar this summer wound down Sunday night, and after I promptly turned down four wonderful more hours of overtime, I felt a chill run down my sore back. It wasn't out of potential longing for the people I will no longer share a breakroom with. No, It was sheer, utter excitement for the summer I've been waiting so long for. But, since I did indeed share a breakroom with some of the most interesting people I've ever met, for 2 excruciating months, I thought it a fitting tribute to cast a fond "farewell" and a last "God bless" in the directions of the people I do not envy (because they daily toil in hell, no end in sight).

So, g'bye to the following:
Spiderman (called so for his uncanny resemblance to Tobey Maguire), JD (looked a lot like Bobby Hill from King of the Hill), Krazy Kris (called in sick every day save two in June), Crackhead Jim, South Pole, John Deere hat guy, Jason Kidd (he wasn't really Jason Kidd, but he looked like him), Tigger, Alsop, Toothless Tommy Thompson, Silent Al, Gabby, Stan, Too Short, The Crazy Twin, The Crazier Twin, Kung Fu Wilson, The Horse Lady, 7-foot Bob, Karen (the lady who took a "potty" break every hour, only to mysteriously come back reeking of smoke 30 min. later), Muscles McGee, Gary Baseball, Jersey Gary (wore a football jersey every day to work), and Darla.

If I forgot anyone, I beg your pardon. It isn't that I didn't enjoy our brief time at the "coal mine" together, its that maybe you were too normal to earn a nickname. Until winter, when I once again am strapped for cash, ttfn, all you crazy bop cats.

Calmar quote of a lifetime

2005-06-29T15:30:00.001-04:00

Melvin Wade, Spongebob bandana-wearing, fat girl-loving swinger, after seeing the back of my shirt--which said "Pi Phi Lambda" on the back:

"Is that one of them...maternity shirts?"

Yes, Melvin. It is one of them...maternity shirts.

C'mon people, learn some basic grammar skills

2005-06-08T04:19:00.000-04:00

Upon walking into my lovely local library, the Carnegie Public Library of Washington C.H., I noticed a rather appalling sign posted in the front entrance's window. The sign, homemade from some kind of generic print shop computer program, was addressing the upcoming change in summer business hours. It read:

New Summer Hours!
Beginning next week the library
will start our new summer hours:
On Thursday's we will close at 5pm
And on Saturday's we will close at 12pm

I couldn't help but laugh that this institution, the center of literature for our town, supposedly, can't even use apostrophes correctly. Does anyone else find this completely ironic and
disturbing? I had a good chuckle regardless.

Ten Signs My Summer Sucks So Far

2005-05-12T04:33:00.000-04:00

My summer sucks so far, as you may have inferred from the title of this blog. I'm bored outta my mind. It's so sad, in fact, I actually had time to think of, and document, ten reasons why it's been so pathetic. Here we go:
1. The first week of break, I got a sore back from laying in bed so much.
2. Not only did I get a sore back, my left arm began to spasm uncontrollably. With the help of a friend in the medical industry, we determined it was from inactivity.
3. I actually rented Dr. Zhivago and watched it all in one sitting (in case you aren't familiar with this movie, its a 3 1/2 hr drama about the Russian Revolution, made in 1963, packed on two videocassettes--with a Pearl Harbor-esque love story interwoven).
4. I watched that Carson Daly show, the one after Conan, once.
5. I cleaned and reorganized my room--but it has since gotten dirty again.
6. I picked up the book that I got half-way through last summer, The Course of Irish History, and decided to finish it.
7. I've been to the library at least three times each week, and is usually the only thing (save "wake up before 2pm") on my to-do list.
8. The broken recliner that's been in a heap in my bedroom for nearly a year actually got fixed...by me.
9. I have $94 to my name, most of it in quarters.
10. After straining to think of something else to add to this list, I drew a blank and decided to give up.

It's all good though. I'm not paying rent. I read, watch movies, and play playstation all day, and sleep 12 hrs a night. I don't have to wear a shirt...ever. No homework. No loud music. I guess I shouldn't complain.

"A Wanna New Drug..."

2005-04-28T03:26:00.000-04:00

I have a new addiction. And it's really not as exciting as, say, an addiction to cocaine, or heroin, or oxycontin, you know, those so-called glamour drugs (yes I used the British spelling; I like it better). I'm just addicted to that new Coke product--the drink, again, not the drug--Coke with Lime.
I can't explain it. It's impossible to put into words. Some things you can relate back to a bad experience in childhood. Ok, most things you can relate to bad experience in childhood. But I just lack a viable source for my physical dependency on this stuff.
It all started, innocently enough, with a single sip (doesn't it always?). One of my friends bought it on a whim, so, naturally, being the curious person that I am, I tried it. Thus began four-days and multi-tens of dollars of binge drinking.
The trashcan in my living room overflowed with 20 oz. bottles, and the floor filled up with lime-green bottle caps. It got so bad that, on one occasion, I was forced to look between the couch cushions, under the couch itself, and on the floor of my closet for loose change, all in order to support my habit--all the while shaking uncontrollably and foaming at the mouth (added for dramatic effect).
Once I had the $1 necessary to make my purchase, I headed down to my "dealer:" the front desk worker at my dorm. Upon discovering they had sold out of bottles (I was probably the main contributer to that problem), I forced the worker to call the other dorms on campus to see if they had any.
Luckly, the girls' dorm right next door had several cans in their fridge, waiting patiently for me. Wasting no time, I literally sprinted over and bought two cans, opening one and chugging it in mid-walk back toward my dorm.
That was two days ago. Four cans, and three bottles later (I'm trying to cut back), I find myself in constant need of a fix. Seriously, I think they put nicotine in this stuff. They have to. I mean, Coca-Cola Classic is good, I fancy myself a Coke man, not a Pepsi man, but "add a touch of lime and magic?" Never thought I'd say that. But I have. On more than one occasion.
I digress. Off to begin a good book, and finish another bottle...of...water...(wink).
(Post Script: If you knew the title of this blog was a reference to a song by Huey Lewis and The News, give yourself a pat on the back, 5 cool points, and go buy yourself a Coke with Lime)

You are wasting your time by reading this

2005-04-12T18:43:00.000-04:00

My first three blogs came within two and three days of each other, respectively, so I felt an obligation to add another one to the collection, today. I would just like to preface this blog, however, with the disclaimer that, by reading this blog, you will gain nothing--no previously unknown knowledge, no fresh insights, no funny stories to share with your friends. Basically, this blog is a waste of your time.

I guess that last statement really didn't need to be said. Because if you were really worried about time management, you'd never would have visited this blog site in the first place. And, further more, you and your tight schedule would surely have stopped reading after the title, which clearly states the superfluousness (I think this word is made up; sue me) of reading this entry.

So, why are you still reading this? Perhaps you think that I am holding out on you. That I'm going to wait until the last few lines of this blog to reveal a grand Truth to you, John Q. Blogreader. That I, in my divine wisdom, will unveil the great secrets of philosophy: the ontological question, the meaning of life, the existential dilemma, the secret to nirvana, or why hot dogs and hot dog buns never come in packs of an equal amount. And that by delaying the great revelation of the answers to these questions, I am weeding out those who don't deserve to know.

Well, I'm afraid to say, that's not the case. This really was a pointless blog. You have just wasted a fraction of your life that you'll never get back. Do you realize you are ten minutes (or however long it took you to read this) closer to dying? And you could have been out changing the world or something.

I guess all I can say is that I'm sorry. But I'd be lying. So, I guess I'll just end with "I told you so."

Schiavo Reflections

2005-03-31T19:24:00.000-05:00

I had posted an old Sojourn article on my blog earlier, but after reading Aaron Duvall's blog on Terri Schiavo's death, I felt moved to say something.
It really hit me hard that only after reading Aaron's blog and checking out the link he included (of the news story on Terri) did the news of Terri's death even effect me emotionally. I had seen the story on Fox News, on the televisions in the Commons, nearly four hours earlier, and the only thot running thru my head then was, "Well, she died. That's sad." Thats it.
So now, I write, disappointed in myself for becoming numb to Terri's humanity and her suffering, disappointed in the country I live in, the society I live in, for helping in the hardening of my heart and heartbroken for the future reprocusions of this whole situation.
I can only speculate and imagine what will come next for this country. Already its been split apart, not just in the two sides of the Schiavo issue (was what was done right or wrong?) but more than that. It seems that there is an ugly separation that has been made between the liberal left and the conservative right (the extremes of each) and those in the middle that waver between the two. This seperation is continually being pushed and through media blitzes like the one done throughout the past months (concerning Terri's fate). Its only going to get worse, now.
I can only imagine what Terri's family is going thru right now. After the circus of the media plastering her images all over the internet, newspapers, television, etc., exploiting her for the sake of their agendas. The pain of losing a child after years of doing everything in their power to keep her alive. The loss of wife, even one that might not have been loved anymore. I grieve for them all.
And I wonder, how should I feel right now, about this whole deal? Should I think, "Well, she wasn't conscious, so it doesn't matter that she died?" How about, "Our country, its courts, its liberal left, just committed murder?" I don't know. All I know is that one of God's children, a loved sheep in his flock, has just left us. And we can't, as humans, as people with loved ones, as Christians, we must not forget that Terri was a person, as much as many wish we wouldn't.

Thots from Dante

2005-03-29T15:40:00.000-05:00

I really don't have anything creatively great to say today, but during my Victorian Lit. class, we discussed a poem that was actually good (mind my split infinitive). So, I thot I would be the bearer of good poetry. It speaks of time, humanity, and even leans a little naturalistic toward the end (altho, in this case, it really doesn't bother me). Enjoy.

The Sea-Limits
By Dante Gabriel Rossetti

Consider the sea's listless chime:
Time's self it is, made audible,--
The murmur of the earth's own shell.
Secret continuance sublime
Is the sea's end: our sight may pass
No furlong further. Since time was,
This sound hath told the lapse of time.

No quiet, which is death's,--it hath
The mournfulness of ancient life,
Enduring always at dull strife.
As the world's heart of rest and wrath,
Its painful pulse is in the sands.
Last utterly, the whole sky stands,
Grey and not known, along its path.

Listen alone beside the sea,
Listen alone among the woods;
Those voices of twin solitudes
Shall have one sound alike to thee:
Hark where the murmurs of thronged men
Surge and sink back and surge again,--
Still the one voice of wave and tree.

Gather a shell from the strown beach
And listen at its lips: they sigh
The same desire and mystery,
The echo of the whole sea's speech.
And all makind is thus at heart
Not anything but what thou art:
And Earth, Sea, Man, are all in each.

I couldn't resist

2005-03-26T15:42:00.000-05:00

Yes, I used a freakin' Rod Stewart song as my title, and no, I don't regret it, and no, I'm not changing it. So shutup. This is me, conforming, but only to practice writing. Because that's my major, that's why.

All my friends are creating blogs, and they're, like, Religion majors. What the crap?!? I'm a friggin' Writing major, I should be the one...writing...things.

I promised I'd never create a blog. Because most of the people who create blogs give play-by-plays of their lives (ex. Cheryl looked in my direction today. I think there's a connection there. She's so funny...blah blah blah shutup, no one cares about your boring life). I promise I will never do that. The difference with me is, I know no one gives a crap about my life, and I'm cool with that. I'll probably just post my Sojourn editorials on here, and the occassional random thot.

So, read my blog regularly, if you feel the need for a little humorous escape, and feel free to take notes on how this writing thing is done.